Chapter 8: To Wives
From The Author: These are my opinions, I do not represent any fellowship or group. It is what I believe and if you do not agree with me that is fine, we can both be productive members of our community.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was published in 1939 and reflects the values and social mores of that time. The message of recovery it contains has not been diminished, nor has it changed in the last 75 year. The solution is within us and is manifested by our relationship with our Higher Power.
The teachings in the book are stories of the struggles of others with the same disease of the mind and body. We are taught not to compare ourselves with those in the stories, but to try and identify. If we do, then maybe we are real alcoholics and this book can help us find a solution to recovery. The words used to describe our conditions and the solutions suggested are always positive and told from the aspect of one alcoholic working with another. Above all else there is honesty about the suggestions in the solution offered. There is also a guiding principle of accepting ourselves and being loving and gentle with others.
With these thoughts in mind the eighth chapter, To Wives, has always bothered me because a man writes it as if it is a woman sharing her thoughts and suggestions on standing by her man. I understand it was 1939, a different mentality existed, but it is now 2011. How about some updating? By being dishonest in its presentation it becomes manipulative. We can do better.
Why not come at it from the angle of…”I am a man and these are the insecurities and struggles I am having that I could use my partner’s help with. Let’s have an honest dialogue about what you and I can do different to understand and love each other unconditionally.”
Let’s suggest a good old-fashioned heart-to-heart conversation between two loving adults. The way it is written today it is degrading to women and it doesn’t address the issue of same-sex relationships.
Our Big Book has stood the test of time and succeeded for over 70 years. I believe if it is to continue to attract newcomers and be open not only to people of all religions and all lifestyles then it needs to be honest about all relationships, heterogeneous and homogenous. To date it isn’t even honest about heterogeneous.