Attitude
In the beginning it was extremely difficult to feel comfortable with the new attitude I was asked to adopt. It meant a total acceptance of everyone and everything. It meant that what you did was none of my business and that I had to only be concerned with my side of the street. “What an order”. I didn’t think I could go through with it.
It was comfortable being self-centered and dishonest. Why would I possibly trust someone else to take charge of things that could be much better handled by me? How could it make any difference if I was honest or not, as long as all concerned prospered? Delusional? Grandiose? Self-Absorbed? We could make quite a list.
The comfort thing could be likened to an athlete in any sport who has a problem with technique: batting stroke, throwing motion, golf swing or shooting. A coach corrects the problem and the flaw that resulted from it. A way to fix it was taught. The method suggested works but it doesn’t feel right. Yet the more it is done, the better the results. Soon the new way becomes comfortable. Not that it is always perfect, but the athlete has tools now and a coach who can help the player find a center and get “back on the beam”.
First there had to be a willingness to change my attitude and accept help with my problems. Many of the defects were like old friends, I was comfortable with them and didn’t want to give them up. Once it was pointed out to me that “Easy Does It”, doesn’t mean it is going to be easy and that my growth depended on change, I gradually accepted this new way.
One evening my wife and teenage children sat with me at the kitchen table discussing my recovery. It was during my second year and we were talking about changes they had seen in my behavior. I explained what I was learning in the 12 Steps and how I was adapting it to my everyday life. They asked questions and commented on their perceptions. Near the end I offered that I thought had was doing quite well. At this point my wife said, “ You’re not doing that well, you still have a way to go.” We all laughed and my attitude was appropriately humbled.