Regret, Change & Confession
My religion has specific precepts and guidelines for making amends, In my recovery I have discovered their connection to the 12 Steps. I am sharing my 9th Step for this time of year in Judaism. This is not meant to offend; only to do what I have been taught to do in recovery.
Making apologies and asking for forgiveness is at the core of Yom Kippur, The Day of Atonement. My request for a pardon must come with an amend on my part. By speaking it aloud and making a commitment to change the act holds the power to transform me, to restore a relationship, to move forward rather than being stuck in the past.
In most cases I have resentment toward the person I am making amends to because of some transgression, real or unreal, that I have never admitted my part in. It is incumbent on my peace of mind to let go of that resentment, take responsibility for my actions and overtly apologize with a plan of action to keep me from repeating it.
The act of honestly making an amends has to be more than just saying, “I’m sorry.” We must live our amends. It is the last of three steps to repentance in traditional Jewish sources. Maimonides, the 12th century Spanish scholar, outlined a process, based on Talmudic sources; it starts with recognizing and admitting the wrongdoing, apologizing to the person you have hurt with your sin, and then each time you are faced with a similar situation behave in an acceptable way. Having to directly admit offenses to another human being gives concrete form to the abstract ideas of honesty, humility and empathy. Recognizing shortcomings can help make people more tolerant of others’ foibles or transgressions and, ideally, creates human interaction with less strife.
Over and over in the High Holy Days liturgy, Jews ask God for forgiveness and praise God as forgiving and merciful. The liturgy is meant to inspire repentance, and to bring worshippers to emulate God by actively participating in a culture of forgiveness. The 30 days before Rosh Hashanah and then the 10 days following, culminating in Yom Kippur, are designated for preparing for divine forgiveness by asking for human forgiveness. Only God can forgive us, but if we can be forgiving we will be forgiven.
In this holy time, I want you to know how much I love each and every one of you who have committed to taking the journey of the collective heart, a journey that is not always the easiest one but certainly, at the end of the day, a meaningful one. I want you to know how blessed I feel to be a part of your lives and I want to humbly ask each of you to forgive me for anything I might have done or not done that could have in any way hurt you, shamed you, or left you feeling less than. I ask you to forgive me for any expectations that I failed to fulfill and for my less-than-perfect human ways.
I know that some of you may want to be forgiven by me as well, maybe for projections, gossip, or for making commitments that you did not keep, so I let you know right now that I give you a blanket of forgiveness from my heart to yours. Know that I will be praying for you and your families, for our small community and for the greater whole. I will be praying, as Goethe screamed out, “Light, more light!” — that you are able to bring light to every cell of your being where it might be missing for you today.
The holiday’s earthly application can be compelling even for those who can’t connect to an image of God as judge in the sky before the open Book of Life.
My goal of the High Holy Days is not to be Jewish. My goal is to be more human, to be comforting and not seek comfort, to be understanding and seek to be understood and to be loving without seeking to be loved.
May it be your will God for me to make good choices to make amends to all those I have offended and continue to do so as I encounter them for the rest of my life.
In closing, if anything I have said or done in the past offends you or bothers you, just dismiss it. If anything I say you disagree with, you’re entitled to. I apologize and will do my best not to repeat it. We don’t have to agree to be useful, productive human beings to our community.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you my Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.