Not God
Discussions of Step 2 have totally changed for me in the past year. In the beginning of my recovery my thoughts would turn to the insanity part, I would focus on how insane my life was. There was a conversation with my wife one evening about Step 2; I would share with her by reading aloud parts of our Big Book. She said to me after listening, “You’re not insane.” My reply, “ Really? Think about my behavior since you’ve known me starting 20 years ago.” She changed her mind almost too quickly.
Several months ago I was refreshing my thoughts and activities about the Steps and a thought occurred in my mind that I had suppressed for almost 10 years. My firing from a position I was heavily recruited for and had turned down several times before accepting. The hiring was to fix a small company that had potential, but was not performing well and operating without experienced leadership. I qualified having spent over 15 years in the industry as an owner and manager.
The recruitment, lavish offers and unencumbered power was ideal for my grandiose opinion of myself, and my ego swelled. Of course I hadn’t found the rooms of AA.
The story is that it was immediately apparent to me that poor decision-making, theft and incompetent personnel was the root of the problems. Immediately I fired people, hired new employees, changed procedures, negotiated new contracts with our customers, resulting in a reversal of fortunes within six months. Along the way, I also informed the owner and his senior management of all the bad decisions they had made and how I had fixed everything. I wasn’t diplomatic, nor did I care about anyone’s feelings. Only my success mattered.
Six months after I started I was fired after returning from vacation. No explanation, no severance; just pack your things and leave.
About a week later in a conversation with a person I had hired as my assistant, she told me that the owner had been telling everyone the following, “ He already had a God, and didn’t need another one.” Not only didn’t I understand, I was resentful.
Ten years later it dawns on me that not only am I carrying around this resentment, but he was right I thought I was God. I had been behaving as if my decision-making was flawless, my judgments were perfect and I was omnipotent in all facets of life. Wow! Delusional would be a mild description of my behavior.
Almost six years in recovery, I am finally dealing with the concept that I am not God, and there is only one Higher Power whose love and protection is key to my sobriety, emotional and physical. What a relief, by trusting God and His will for me, my life is joyous and free.
Now it is time for me to make an amends to the man who fired me. Thank God.