Addictive Behavior

There is more to my sobriety than not picking up. Consuming alcohol is only a symptom of my addiction to destructive behavior, most of it to myself. My lust, self-centered arrogance and jealousy were comfortable.
The last thing I wanted was to try anything that uncomfortable.

Over the years lust had replaced love, self-centered arrogance had replaced caring for others/humility and envy didn’t leave any room for good will towards others or altruism.

Some of my earliest memories are of feeling as an outsider, not good enough to be worthy of others friendship. I was fearful of rejection and being discovered. Whatever the measurement of worthiness was I didn’t have it, even if it existed in my mind only. My feeling of uselessness and inability to help others was making me hide inside myself more and more. It never dawned on me to ask for help. The puzzle was, how to cope with this fear, anger and guilt without being exposed.

My solution was alcohol. As soon as I found it I realized that I didn’t have to deal with any of these issues, the pain was numbed. I found a person in that bottle I liked, and my mission was to become him. As time went by I cared less about the consequences, less about you and wanted more.

If our relationship was intimate, my purpose was sex. There was never enough, and if you grew tired of it or wanted love then I moved on. Did not care about your feelings or needs. My arrogance was fed by the delusion that the next piece of ass was waiting.

If you had a nicer car, more money, a better job or a loving relationship, I was not happy for you I was jealous. I wanted more than you and I begrudged you any success. It was consuming, this inadequate feeling based on what you had drove my desire for more. It could not be satisfied, even my successes became reasons to want more.

The arrogance on my part was rationalized as acceptable behavior because I thought myself a high-energy achiever who was better than the rest and knew more. I didn’t have any tolerance for those who didn’t perform at the highest levels and would tactlessly correct them. Many times my behavior was hurtful and destructive of others. It mattered not that your way worked, just differently, it wasn’t my way and it wasn’t good enough. It became more and more of the fiber of my being and a burning need inside of me to be right, always.

These behaviors drove almost everyone away. Friends didn’t want to socialize, family became tense around me, employers dismissed me and I became number and number. It all lead back to drinking and it all became more and more addictive. It was a cycle that fed itself.

Sobriety taught me to be more accepting and less judgmental of others, to trust my Higher Power and to share about myself. It wasn’t easy, but as I attended more meeting and learned to identify instead of compare, to pray for knowledge of God’s will and to ask others for help, then my sobriety became more peaceful. When things happened that were difficult I coped and felt without hiding and when others needed me I listened and offered comfort without taking control. I trusted God’s Power and situations that used to baffle me didn’t, if my intuition was in tune with the Power of the Universe.