http://dangriffin.com/archives/2454

This is not the festive blog topic you may have been hoping for and that I had even hoped to write, but I can’t get this Penn State scandal out of my mind and it weighs heavy on my heart. So, this post is one that is very important as we go into the holidays and you think about the men you know and love, as well as yourself (if applicable).
By now, everyone has heard about the egregious behavior and massive cover-up at Penn State involving the beloved Joe Paterno and his heir apparent, Jerry Sandusky. Sandusky, as it is only alleged at this time (though there is a very compelling grand jury report,) is said to have sexually abused numerous young boys over multiple decades. This posting is not about whether Sandusky is guilty — I will let a court of law determine that and pray to God that justice is served.
This posting is not about Sandusky at all. However, while the flurry of 24-7 news stories on the scandal has decreased dramatically, there will no doubt be another deluge of stories with the most salacious and graphic details once the actual court case gets underway. And just this past week, two more men came forward accusing Mr. Sandusky of sexual abuse.
My biggest concern from the moment this story started airing was what it was doing to all of the men and boys across the country — and even the world — who suffer from undiagnosed and untreated trauma, especially those who have been sexually abused. Many of these men have no recollection that they have had such traumatic experiences. How many men were being triggered – and acting out in any number of ways as a result of the blast of coverage? It is hard to say what the true statistics are but I am confident that the majority of the estimated percentages for boys’ childhood sexual abuse are a far cry from the actual number of boys and young men who are carrying around the horrible scars of sexual abuse. Here are some of the different ways men could be affected:
▪ Increased use of alcohol or other drugs
▪ Relapse (back into active addiction – substance, sex, gambling, etc.)
▪ Those men who have been working through abuse histories could find themselves struggling with significant memories or emotional outbursts
▪ Isolation
▪ Exacerbation of mental health issues
▪ Abusive behavior, including acting out sexually in different ways including, unfortunately, sexual abuse
▪ Obsessive viewing and talking about the scandal, the people involved, and extreme opinions about the alleged perpetrator and/or victims
Our society has systematically pretended that boys and men don’t suffer from sexual abuse. We have this pervasive disparaging opinion about boys and men who suffer abuse and honestly express how it has affected them as weak and whining. That keeps a lot of men — especially those men regarded as ‘macho’”— silent and stuck in their suffering. And, as I have stated many times, when men suffer we tend to take our suffering out on others.
Here are five ways to support a man who has suffered abuse in the past:
▪ Help him find a forum for him to talk about it in a way that is safe for him, ideally with other men who have had similar experiences.
▪ If he is showing signs of problematic use of alcohol and other drugs, talk to him directly. Find an expert or someone in recovery to offer coaching on how to have the conversation or who can even be present with you as you have the conversation.
▪ Help him get help. Men can have so many barriers — many of which hit them at the core of their being and their masculinity — to seeking help. Do everything you can to see the strength and courage it takes to get help and reinforce that message to him.
▪ Watch the Oprah Winfrey episode from earlier this year where two hundred men came forward about being sexually abused while their loved ones, many of whom never knew, were in another room listening and watching. Watch the full show here.
▪ If the man has already done a lot of work through therapy, recovery, and/or his faith, honor him for his courage and strength and let him know how much you love and respect him.
It may be hard right now to see something like this scandal as a gift, but it is certainly up to us if we decide whether any good comes from it. If a tragedy such as this creates an opening for boys and men to be better able to talk about any and all kinds of abuse, then that is definitely something very good. While the Catholic clergy scandals have opened the door, the fact that this latest scandal took place in the domain of one of our country’s most hallowed masculine religions blows the door open — it shows that abuse and experiencing abuse are not about strength or some aberrant behavior of an aberrant population. They can happen to anyone, be perpetrated by anyone, and are more than likely happening all over the world right now, literally. The secrets keep the sickness alive and destroy the individual from the inside. It is time to end the silence once and for all but let’s make sure that men and their families are safe and supported in the midst of the cacophony.

I started drinking when I was around eleven years old. I stayed with my brother and his wife just outside of Gallup, New Mexico. We were poor. The smell of beans and fresh tortillas symbolized home to me. I slept in a bed with three other children, where we huddled close to keep warm in the freezing winter. The snow was deep around us.

I had a hard time reading and understanding school work, so I skipped school every chance I got. My dad and grandma had told me the old stories about the longhouse and the travels of our people across the deserts and mountains of this country. I met a boy and together we ditched school and stole a truck. We drank tequila and explored the red mesas together. Sometimes we sat in the shade of the trading post directly across the street from the tracks. When the train rumbled through the dusty small town near the reservation, it promised glamorous places far away.

When I was fifteen years old, I arrived alone in San Francisco with a guitar, a small suitcase, and $30. I went to several taverns and coffeehouses in search of a job singing. I believed I could pursue a career as a performer. Three days later I found myself sleeping in a doorway to stay out of the rain that had fallen all day. I was broke and cold, and had nowhere else to go. The only thing I had left was my pride, which prevented me from trying to reach my brother by phone or finding my way back to the only people who ever really knew me.

Sometime in the middle of the long, restless night, a kindly middle-aged white man laid his hand on my shoulder. “Come on, young lady,” he said. “Let’s get you to someplace warm and get you something to eat.” The price he asked in return seemed little, considering the cold rainy night behind me. I left his hotel with $50 in my hand. Thus began a long and somewhat profitable career in prostitution. After working all night, I would drink to forget what I had to do to pay the rent until the sunrise brought sleep. The weeks passed.

I started stealing and robbed a gas station and a liquor store. I made very few friends. I had learned to trust no one. One night, around eight o’clock, a car pulled up to the curb just as I had settled myself, half drunk, against the wall of a building. I figured I had met my companion for the evening. We made the appropriate conversation to confirm the deal, and I got into the car. Suddenly I felt a deafening blow to my temple. I was knocked senseless. In a desolate area across town, I was pulled from the car, pistol whipped, and left to die in the mud with rain falling softly upon me. I came to in a hospital room with bars on the windows. I spent seven weeks there, having repeated surgeries and barely recognizing my surroundings each time I woke up. Finally, when I was able to walk around a little, a policewoman came and I was taken to county jail. It was my third arrest in two months. Nearly two years on the streets had taken its toll.

The judge said I could not be rehabilitated, and I was charged with eighteen counts of felony. I would not see the streets again for nearly twenty-six months. I was seventeen years old. The first few months I would have done just about anything for a drink. I knew I was powerless over the drugs, but I really couldn’t see what harm there was in alcohol. In the summer I was released. I wasn’t sure where I was going, but a nice cold beer sure sounded like a refreshing celebration of freedom. I bought a six-pack and a bus ticket.

When I got off the bus, I got a waitressing job in a bar. By the end of my first shift, however, I had enough money to get a bottle and a sleazy motel room nearby.

A few weeks later I saw him, the only Indian I had met in a very long time. He was leaning over a pool table when I came to work. I put on my apron, grabbed a tray, and headed straight for him to see if he needed a refill.

“Who let you off the reservation?” he asked. I was furious, humiliated, and embarrassed.

That man became the father of my first-born child. My relationship with him lasted only a few months and was the first of many mutually abusive relationships that would continue over the next few years. I found myself alone, drunk, homeless, and pregnant in a matter of weeks. Afraid that I would wind up back in jail, I went to live with my brother and sister- in-law.

My brother had gotten a very good job and moved to Hawaii. My son was born there, and on the day of his birth, I found my purpose in life: I was born to be a mom. He was beautiful. Straight black hair and dark eyes. I had never felt like this in my life. I could put my past behind me once again and move forward into a new life with my child.

After a year or so I became bored with my life in the islands and the guy I had been dating. I said goodbye to my waitress job and my family, and moved to California with my one-year-old son.

I needed transportation, but cars cost too much money. Where could I get lots of money? It did not seem appropriate to go back to prostitution in the same town where I was raising my son. I could take the bus to the next town, work all night, and come home in the morning if I could get someone to watch my little boy. The night job paid well. As long as I didn’t work close to home where my child would attend school, everything would be fine. Also, I could drink on the job. I kept the welfare, though, because it provided health insurance.

I did quite well financially. After one year I found a beautiful large apartment that had a view of the ocean, bought a new car and a purebred Collie dog. The social workers started getting very nosy. I could not figure out what their problem was. I led a double life. By day I was super-mom, and by night I was a drunken hooker.

I met a wonderful man at the beach, and we fell in love. Everything was like heaven on earth until he asked where I worked! Of course, I lied. I told him I worked for the government and held a top security clearance, which required complete secrecy. That’s why I had to work nights, undercover, out of town, on weekends. Now, maybe he would stop asking so many questions. But instead he proposed.

We moved in together and my working arrangements became nearly impossible to live with. So did my conscience. One night on my way to work, I sat in rush-hour traffic on the freeway. I broke down in tears and felt all the lies of my life burst open inside of me. I hated myself and I wanted to die. I couldn’t tell him the truth, but I couldn’t continue to lie to him either. Suddenly a great light came on. It was the best idea I had ever had. I got off the freeway at the next ramp, drove home, and told him I got fired! He took it well, and we celebrated with a huge bottle of wine.

It took a lot of booze to cover the nightmares of my past, but I was sure I could get around this small problem before long. I never did. The relationship broke up over my drinking, and I packed my little car and moved myself, my son, our dog, and three cats to the mountains.

This mountain town was a place I had visited as a child with Dad and Grandma. Memories of the stories of my childhood and our Indian people flooded in. I got a job cleaning cabins for a local resort lodge and got back on welfare. Shortly after our move, my son started school. By this time I was consuming nearly a fifth of tequila each day, and blackouts were occurring on a regular basis.

One day I got up as usual. The last thing I remember was feeling so shaky I could hardly stand up. I ate a tablespoon of honey, hoping it would give me the necessary sugar rush. The next conscious memory was the emergency room. They said I was suffering from malnutrition. I was nearly thirty pounds underweight. They had the audacity to ask me how much I drank! What could that possibly have to do with anything? I promised I would never do it again.

For the first time in my life, I tried very hard to quit drinking. After a few days of shakes and nausea, I decided that a shot of tequila wouldn’t hurt. I had managed to put on a little weight, but six months later I collapsed and was diagnosed with a bleeding ulcer. I was in the hospital for four days that time. They told me that if I didn’t stop drinking, I would probably die.

My son called his grandparents, and they traveled to the mountains to visit us. I had not seen them for years. We got along much better than I expected. The relationship they formed with my son was incredible. My dad took his grandson hiking in the wilderness, and mom helped out with looking after him while I worked. My health continued to fail. My parents wound up moving to our town in an attempt to help their grandson and me.

My dad and I decided to go to a Native American gathering. I hadn’t been to one of these pow wows since I was a child. When we heard the drums and watched the dancers, I felt some great passion well up inside me. I felt like an outsider. I wanted a drink. I wore my hair down to my waist and wore a lot of turquoise jewelry I had collected over the years. I looked like the people, but I certainly didn’t feel like one of them. I felt as if they all knew something I didn’t.

In an effort to prove I was getting better, I started hitting the streets again in order to make more money. I told my parents that I was going down the mountain to visit friends. I received my third arrest for drunk driving on one of the trips back, after working all weekend. The night in jail seemed a long time to go without a drink.

Weeks and months passed, and the blackouts continued getting worse. Then I met a man in a local bar. I didn’t like him very well, but he had quite a lot of money, and he sure liked me. He took me to nice restaurants and brought me expensive gifts. As long as I had a buzz on, with a few drinks, I could tolerate him.

One thing led to another, and we wound up married. The most powerful motive I had was getting out of the streets and being provided for. I had begun to think I did not have much longer to live. The faces of my doctors were looking more and more grim every time I went into the hospital to dry out.

The marriage was a farce, and it didn’t take long for this man to figure that out. Someone had told him about my past, and he demanded to know the truth. I was tired, nauseated, and drunk. I just didn’t care anymore, so I admitted everything. We fought every day after that, and my visits to the hospital became more frequent. One afternoon I decided I no longer wanted to live and got the gun from over the fireplace. I owe my life to the man I had married. He heard my child scream from out back and came running into the house. He grabbed the gun and wrestled it away from me. I was numb and couldn’t figure out what had happened. My son was taken away from me by the authorities, and I was placed in a locked ward for the criminally insane. I spent three days there on legal hold.

After I was released, most of the next few weeks was a blur. One night I caught my husband with another woman. We fought and I followed him in my car and tried to run him down, right in the middle of the main street in town. The incident caused a six-car pileup, and when the law caught up with me later, I was sent to the locked ward again. I do not remember arriving there, and when I woke up, I didn’t know where I was. I was tied to a table with restraints around my wrists, both ankles, and my neck. They shot heavy drugs into my veins and kept me like that for a long time. I was released five days later. When I left, there was no one there to drive me home, so I hitchhiked. The house was dark and locked, and no one was anywhere around to let me in. I got a bottle and sat in the snow on the back porch and drank.

One day I decided I’d better go to the laundromat and wash some clothes. There was a woman there with a couple of kids. She moved around quickly, folding clothes and stacking them neatly in a couple of huge baskets. Where did she get her energy? Suddenly I realized I had to put my clothes into the dryers. I couldn’t remember which washers I had put them in. I looked into probably twenty different washers. I made up my mind how to handle the situation. I would stay here until everyone else had left. I would keep whatever clothes were left behind, as well as my own. As the other woman finished her tasks, she was writing something down on a small piece of paper. She loaded her baskets and kids into her car, and came back into the laundromat. She came right up to me and handed me the small blue paper. I couldn’t make out what it said. I smiled politely and slurred a friendly “Thank you.” Later I made out the telephone number and the handwritten message below: “If you ever want to stop drinking, call Alcoholics Anonymous, 24 hours a day.”

Why had she given me this, and what made her think I was drinking? Couldn’t she see that my bottle was soda? Of all the nerve! I was mortified! I folded the paper neatly and put it in the back pocket of my jeans. As the next few weeks passed, I became sicker by the day. One morning I woke up alone as usual. I hadn’t seen my husband in a long time. I needed a drink, and the bottle on the bedside table was dry. I rose on my shaky legs, but they refused to hold my weight. I fell to the floor and began crawling around the house looking for a bottle. Nothing! This meant I had to leave the house and get to a store.

I found my empty purse on the floor, but I knew I could never make it to the car. I became terrified. Who could I call? I never saw any friends anymore, and there was no way I could call family. I remembered the number in the pocket of my jeans. I hadn’t even gotten dressed for several days. Where were the jeans?

I searched the house until I found them on the floor of the bedroom. The number was in the pocket. After three tries I managed to dial the number. A woman’s voice answered.

“I . . . uh . . . got this number from you . . . uh . . . Is this A.A.?” I asked.

“Yes. Do you want to stop drinking?”

“Please, yes. I need help. Oh, God.” I felt the fiery tears run down my face.

Five minutes later she pulled into my driveway. She must have been some kind of an angel. How had she appeared from nowhere that day in the laundromat? How had she known? How had I kept her number all that time without losing it?

The A.A. woman made sure I had no more alcohol in the house. She was very tough on me for a long time. I went to meetings every day and started taking the steps. The First Step showed me that I was powerless over alcohol and anything else that threatened my sobriety or muddled my thinking. Alcohol was only a symptom of much deeper problems of dishonesty and denial. Now it was a matter of coming to grips with a Power greater than myself. That was very hard for me. How could all these white people even begin to think they could understand me? So they brought a sober Indian woman up to work with me for a day. That was a very powerful day. That Indian woman cut me no slack at all. I will never forget her. She convinced me I was not unique. She said these white folks were the best thing that ever happened to me.

“Where would you be without them?” she asked. “What are the alternatives? You got any better ideas for yourself? How many Indians do you know who are going to help you sober up?” At the time, I couldn’t think of any. I surrendered behind the tears of no answers and decided to do it their way. I found the Power greater than myself to be the magic above the heads of the people in the meetings. I chose to call that magic Great Spirit.

The Twelve Steps worked like a crowbar, prying into my dishonesty and fear. I didn’t like the things I learned about myself, but I didn’t want to go back where I had come from. I found out that there was no substance on the planet that could help me get honest. I would do just about anything to avoid working on myself.

The thing that kept me sober until I got a grip on honesty was the love in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I made some friends for the first time in my life. Real friends that cared, even when I was broke and feeling desperate. At twenty-two months of sobriety, I was finally able to complete an honest inventory. The Fifth Step enabled me to see my part in my resentments and fears. In the chapter “How It Works,” in the Big Book, I was shown some questions. The answers to these questions provided me with knowledge about my reactions to the conditions in my life. Every response to every resentment, real or imagined, had been sick and self-destructive. I was allowing others to control my sense of well-being and behavior. I came to understand that the behavior, opinions, and thoughts of others were none of my business. The only business I was to be concerned with was my own! I asked my Higher Power to remove from me everything that stood in the way of my usefulness to Him and others, and to help me build a new life.

I met my current husband in an A.A. meeting. Together we carry the message to Indian people on reservations all over the country. I started at the fifth-grade level in school when I had been sober nearly two years. After college I started my own business. Today I publish the books I write. Our daughter was born during my early sobriety, and she is in high school now. She has never seen her mother take a drink. Our family has returned to the spirituality of our ancestors. We attend sweat lodges and other ancient ceremonies with our people on sovereign native land. We take panels of sober Natives into Indian boarding schools and institutions, and share about recovery.

My life is filled with honesty today. Every action, word, prayer, and Twelfth Step call is an investment in my spiritual freedom and fulfillment. I am in love and proud to be a Native American. At an A.A. meeting on an Indian reservation, I heard the words “Sobriety is traditional.” I stand at the top of the sacred mountain, and I listen to the wind. I have a conscious daily contact with my Creator today, and He loves me. Everything is sacred as a result of the Twelve Steps and the love and recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous.

http://frandancingfeather.com/listening-to-the-wind/

By Missy Wilkerson

Described in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book as “cunning, baffling, powerful,” addiction often seems as inscrutable as the human mind itself. Its reach is widespread: Else Pedersen, executive director of Bridge House, estimates 10 to 15 percent of the population has an addiction. “We all either have this or have some strong primary connection to it,” she says. “This is everywhere, and it needs to be dealt with like the medical issue it is. We need to give it the same attention we give other diseases that are progressive, pervasive and potentially lethal.”

Last month, The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) made a big step toward widespread recognition of addiction as a medical issue rather than a behavioral issue or moral failing. It released a new definition which states addiction is a chronic, underlying, largely genetic brain disease.

“The disease is about brains, not drugs,” former president of ASAM Dr. Michael Miller stated in a press release. “It’s about underlying neurology, not outward actions.” Miller oversaw a four-year effort by more than 80 addiction experts and neuroscience researchers which yielded the new definition.

Dr. Ken Roy, medical director of Addiction Recovery Resources Incorporated in Metairie, calls it a game-changer.

“This is a definition based on a consensus of expert opinion and scientific literature that changes the understanding of addiction from a choice or a self-treatment to a condition of brain structures that basically compels behavior outside the ability to choose,” he says. “It’s also pivotal in the sense that it equates a compulsion to use chemicals with compulsions to have other kinds of behaviors such as food or gambling or sex. (It is) the same disease state. Addiction is not a choice.”

The new definition reveals addiction to be a primary disease, much like diabetes or cardiovascular disease. It can be a root cause behind other behavioral, social and psychological problems like depression, cognitive distortions, social isolation and anxiety. According to ASAM’s definition, “genetic factors account for about half the likelihood that an individual will develop addiction” — meaning if one of your parents is or was an addict, you are genetically predisposed to developing addiction.

Since addiction has physical, neurobiological causes, one would expect the brains of addicts to function differently than the brains of non-addicts. This is exactly what happens, says Dr. Howard Wetsman, medical director at Townsend, a network of local outpatient addiction treatment centers. Many (not all) addicts have a morphology (or mutation) in the genes associated with the production, release, reuptake and metabolizing of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. Wetsman refers to the intricate factors governing normal dopamine levels as “dopamine tone.”

“Generally, people who have a low dopamine tone are not able to make great attachments and feel rewards from normally rewarding activities, and that is when the drug or behavior comes along,” he says. ” Our society likes to think that drugs cause addiction. It’s actually the other way around for most people with addiction. The addiction causes the drug use,” he writes in his book, QAA: Questions and Answers on Addiction.

The genetic factor is so pervasive that Wetsman has instituted genetic testing as part of Townsend’s intake procedure. “The test identifies two dozen genetic mutations in the brain that relate to symptoms of addiction,” says John Antonucci, an intake coordinator at Townsend who also is recovering from addiction. “This information helps fine-tune medical interventions, and it is amazing when you take a patient and their family members, and they realize it really is a biological brain disease. I like to equate it to seeing the X-ray when you have a broken arm. And I have seen family members break down and cry when they realize all this time, their kids weren’t doing this to spite them. They were doing it because they were sick.”

Though Antonucci says nine out of 10 of Townsend’s patients report addiction in their family trees, there are some addicts without a family history or genetic indication of the disease (but because addiction can express itself through many different compulsions, from overeating to compulsive spending, it can sometimes be hard to trace, Wetsman says). New Orleans native, Xavier University alumnus, father of five and recovering addict Darryl Rouson, now a Florida state representative, had no known family history of addiction.

“My mother was known to cut her beer with 7-Up, and my dad drank three or four times a year,” says Rouson, who began drinking and using cocaine in the ’80s. “I wasn’t drinking for the social nature, I wanted the effect, and I wanted it quickly, and for a long time. For me, it started out filling what I thought were voids in my life, low self-esteem: I never thought I was cute enough, strong enough, athletic enough or smart enough, and I was always doing things to compensate for these lacks.”

Rouson says he has been through eight treatment programs and is well-versed in the genetic component of addiction, but he has never been tested for the morphologies. Though genetic testing can provide clarity to a diagnosis of addiction, and a basis for what medications will best normalize individuals’ brain chemistry, neither testing nor medications are necessary for recovery. “There are millions of people who have gotten sober by going to 12-step meetings (like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous). For some people, that works,” says Jo Cohen, clinical director of New Orleans Bridge House and Grace House. “We support the science, but like everything else in treatment, it’s an individualized approach.”

Although people do not choose to become addicts, they do have choices over how they manage the disease. Addiction requires ongoing treatment, which varies from person to person — some may benefit from ongoing use of medications like Suboxone, some may require long-term inpatient treatment, others may stay sober simply by attending 12-step meetings. Antonucci stresses that a strong routine of recovery-related activities like meetings or volunteering helps people maintain sobriety, as does access to help from addiction doctors. “This is a chronic disease like diabetes or hypertension,” he says. “If you are diabetic, you get exercise and take insulin, but there are times you need to check up with your endocrinologist.”

Rouson manages his addiction by attending 12-step meetings, sponsoring other recovering addicts, reading Alcoholics Anonymous literature, and giving back to the community by sharing his story at prisons and recovery centers. He will speak at Xavier Wednesday, Sept. 14, to celebrate National Recovery Month.

“One of the critical reasons why I got clean was I was given a choice,” he says. “(My wife) Ruby was dead and I had taken her $80,000 life insurance policy and spent $60,000 on cocaine. I was in a courtroom with my wife’s family and they were trying to convince the judge to take my four-year-old son. The judge said I could either choose Daniel or drugs, but after today, I would not have both. I chose my son.”

Antonucci and Rouson both say their community outreach work, which is a tenant of Alcoholics Anonymous (the 12th step states, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs”), is essential to their ongoing sobriety. And though there may seem to be a disconnect between the scientific, biologically based addiction definition and the spiritually based 12-step programs, ASAM’s research scientically supports the activities recovering addicts undertake in 12-step recovery programs as ways to maintain sobriety.

“Our medical approach to addiction dovetails very nicely into 12-step recovery, because there is a scientific basis behind how it works,” Antonucci says. “Part of my recovery is, I serve food to homeless people every Saturday night, and afterwards, I feel great. Why do I feel great? My hedonic tone has gone up. Doing something really healthy for the community has changed my brain chemistry.”

Wetsman agrees that engaging in charitable activities can normalize dopamine levels. “You get dopamine lowering from being isolated and feeling less-than,” he says. “You can’t feel isolated and less than when you help somebody else — dopamine receptors actually physically gain in number. The receptors are much more plastic than we think.”

Pederson, Antonucci and medical professionals across the board hope the new definition of addiction will serve to remove much of the shame and stigma surrounding the disease, which in turn will facilitate recovery for the millions who suffer from addiction.

“When people have a strong understanding about the disease, that’s when the miracles happen, and treatment can be extremely successful,” Antonucci says. “Don’t be afraid to get better. This can work for you, too. Give yourself a chance.”

RESOURCES:

Alcoholics Anonymous: 838-3399 (24-hour helpline); www.aa-neworleans.org

Addiction Recovery Resources: 4836 Wabash St., Metairie, 780-2766; www. arrno.health.officelive.com

Bridge House: 4150 Earhart Blvd., 522-4474; www.bridgehouse.org

Grace House: 1401 Delachaise St., 899-2423; www.gracehouseneworleans.org

River Oaks Hospital: 1525 River Oaks Road W., 734-1740; www.riveroakshospital.com

Townsend: 888-504-1714 (24-hour patient line)

3600 Prytania St., Suite 72, 897-5144; 4330 Loveland St., Metairie,

Suite A, 454- 5172; 19411 Helenberg Road, Suite 101, Covington, 985-893-2522; www.townsendla.com.

Thank you Oscar for coming forward.

From an interview with Teresa Rodriguez

Three months ago, to everyone’s surprise, former boxing champion Oscar de la Hoya confirmed that he    had checked into a treatment center to battle addiction. Almost immediately speculative reports about addiction to alcohol, drugs, even sex, began to swirl.

Since that shocking day, De la Hoya has spoken to Teresa Rodriguez, host of Univision’s ‘Aqui y Ahora (Here and Now)’ to open up publicly about his decision to hide his alcohol addiction, which began at 9 years old, from fans, friends, even family, and his abuse of cocaine, which he began two years ago. De la Hoya also shared how his wife, Millie Corretjer, and their five children, forced the boxing champion to cling to life. Here we share what boxing’s once “Golden Boy” confessed to the journalist, and the world.

“It was my secret. I felt so invincible just drinking and doing those bad things … But I also found myself crying and feeling alone. I acknowledged my addiction. I come from very good values and a good family. That monster that grew strength came from within me.”

“At 9 years old I started drinking. At times there are family parties. The men are with the men and the women are in the kitchen. My uncles would say, ‘let’s ask Oscar to bring us some beer,’ I’d go and open the beer, have just a taste, and they wouldn’t scold me for it. After 20 to 30 times of making that trip to the refrigerator, I was drunk.”
“My mom did scold me, hit me, but I thought it would be the last time.

However, it wasn’t, and that’s how it was for many years. I came to need it. Because I was an athlete, I didn’t drink every day, only when I could and when I could hide it. And that’s how my life was for many years. There was a void that was eating at me inside. And that was the love and affection that a child needs from his mother, his father.”

“On many occasions I would cancel fights, or I would fake injury so that I wouldn’t have to fight because I was out partying. I needed it by choice. At times I would drink a tequila before a fight, and as an athlete you can’t do that. This addiction ruined me. All the while, I would hide to do these things.

No one knew anything. I never did it in front of friends, not even my family, no one. It was my secret. To try to maintain a business, be a father, husband. I was sick and tired of having to keep up the lie after partying the night before with friends, only to arrive at 3 or 4 in the morning, then go run at 5, was difficult. At 23 one could do that, but by 32 I noticed a physical change as a result of alcohol.”

“I’m very ashamed to say, but I did fall into drug use. It happened about two years ago, and I almost died. The cocaine, the partying, my supposed friends … It was a very bad life. I didn’t want to think about my kids, my wife, my family. I just wanted to party in my addiction.”

“In 2009 I overdosed on cocaine and alcohol and wound up hospitalized. They didn’t say anything. I figured they would give me some medication and that I’d be released. I wasn’t going to tell anyone, but I couldn’t continue. I was going to end up dead, or in jail.”

“I got out of work, called Millie at 1 in the morning, crying, with a bottle of tequila in my hand, telling her that I didn’t know why I was doing this. She told me to throw away the bottle. I came home and slept in another bedroom. The next morning, Millie was at the stairs. I approached her and said, ‘I’m done. I can’t do this anymore …’ I was tired of asking her for forgiveness all the time. I said to her ‘I’m leaving. I’m going to do this for me because I have to’ and I checked myself in.”
“I remember that when I entered the center, for the first days, I didn’t want to be there. I was having second thoughts. The monster that used to wait for me at the first door to my house was talking to me again. During the first days they let you rest and give you many medications to sleep, then the process begins after three or four days. It’s a 30-day program, but I stayed an additional three weeks because I didn’t feel I was ready. I was afraid to walk out that [rehab] door. I felt so safe in the center. I don’t know what it’s like to be in heaven, but that’s how it felt to me. Everyone wanted to be your friend, truly your friend.”

“I’m super in love with her. She’s the love of my life. There’s not another woman I could ever think of and I love her with all my heart.

I don’t want to talk details but, yes, I was unfaithful, but I want to take this opportunity to say: “Please, forgive me …’ because we’re, I don’t want to say we’re fine, but Millie is a very good person and it hurts me a lot …

We separated for a time. I was coming to the house to visit my kids. We were trying to work it out for our kids. There was a point where she had her attorneys, she was ready. But she very much believes in God, in [the sanctity] of marriage, and thank God she forgave me.

I made her suffer a great deal and really, I’m very thankful that she stayed by my side. We’re both going to therapy, both individually and together, but it’s not easy because every day I have to work to show her that I want a life with her.”

“Yes, it was me … I’m tired of lying about it, of lying to everyone including myself. In the photo I was under the influence of alcohol and drugs. It was the first time I did that. I now know that I need the alcohol more than the drugs, but I got involved in some very bad things. There were women, drugs, alcohol. That’s all true. I’m remembering everything now because I think

Those nights when I was drunk and on my own, I asked myself, ‘Is it really worth continuing to live?,’ and then your kids come to mind, your wife and those that love you. I’m incapable of doing something like that, but I did think about it.”

“Now, I honestly feel as though I was born again. I’m living day by day. And I feel better than ever. I’ve abstained from drinking for 109 days and from cocaine for 110. I thank God that my mom is taking care of me. That’s how I feel. If she were alive, things would’ve never gotten to that point. She would’ve straightened me out with the famous sandal. It would’ve been a different life. Addiction is going to be the hardest fight of my life. Day and night I feel as though someone from above gave me a second chance in life, and I’m going to take care of it to be a better person. This is sort of like training for a fight that never comes.”

We are all story tellers and that innate ability has helped many of us share about ourselves and uncover truths, as well as assist others find keys to their own recovery.

Your anonymity will be protected. We do request that you tell us something about yourself to help us qualify you as a prospect for this project and a way to contact you.

There will not be any fees or dues associated with your submissions. We only want to tell stories to help others in their recovery.

Love and Tolerance.

Please check out her blog and support her.

The functional alcoholic (not in recovery) is still attempting to control his own life and manage his secret addiction. He is a willing subject of King Alcohol. Therefore he hasn’t hit “bottom.” He is not ready to consider getting help even though he suspects he drinks too much and too often.

Why all this insistence that every A.A. must hit bottom first? The answer is that few people will sincerely try to practice the A.A. program unless they have hit bottom. ~ Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions 2011, p 24

In other words, the functional alcoholic is able to maintain denial of the problem. In fact, only those closest to him have any idea that he is held captive in the grips of alcoholism. You may have a family member or coworker who is a functioning alcoholic and not be aware of it.

In practical terms, here is an example of the behaviors of a functioning alcoholic:

• Preoccupation with the next time they can drink
• Only willing to eat where alcohol is available
• One drink always leads to a craving for the next, and the next
• Habitually drink before going out for meals or to the bar
• Increasing memory lapses or black outs
• Surround themselves with heavy drinkers
• Reputation for being able to ‘hold their liquor’ better than most
• Reluctant to leave an unfinished drink
• Cannot imagine life without alcohol
• Setting drinking limits and breaking them
• Exhibit personality changes when drinking
• Able to be dry for periods of time, then quickly increasing consumption again
• % of alcoholic content becomes increasingly important in drink choice
• Quickly become defensive if confronted about their drinking habits

PS: Are there other behaviors that you would add to the list?

How many of the above behaviors does it take to qualify as a functional alcoholic? Any 3 should be a red flag.

The solution is multifaceted and starts with carrying this message to the sick and suffering alcoholic no matter where he/she is, nothing has a more profound affect than one alcoholic talking to another about our problems with this disease. Family members, law enforcement persons, doctors, clergy and counselors can appeal to us and try to reason with us about the devastating consequences of our actions, but with little success. The experience, strength and hope of another alcoholic can start a path to recovery better than any other means.

My story is one of hope. It starts with how my defects of character developed within me, how I used alcohol and drugs to numb the pain, how my life was unmanageable and my powerlessness over addiction. The solution I found in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is a story that anyone who wants to change their life and become useful productive members of their community can follow and succeed.

The elimination of my drinking has only been a beginning; the relationship and partnership with my spouse, the participating in my children’s lives and my contributions to my community has changed my life.

It is my belief that the retelling of our experiences, what we have leaned from them and how we have changed our lives in recovery is key to helping others. What I am about to do is share “how I became what I used to be like, what I used to be like, what happened, and what I am like now”.

I invite you to share your stories and do what our co-founders Bill W. and Dr. Bob found to be the most successful treatment for recovery, work with others.

Consider the following:

• Alcohol dependence and abuse cost the US approximately $220 billion in 2005. For the sake of comparison, this was greater than the amount of money spent to combat cancer ($196 billion) and obesity ($133 billion).
• An estimated 43% of US adults have had someone related to them who is presently, or was, an alcoholic.
• 6.6 million Minors in the US live with an alcoholic mother or father.
• About 14 million US residents battle an alcohol addiction.
• Greater than 50% of grownups in the US have had knowledge of someone in their immediate family with an alcohol problem.
• Around a quarter of all children experience some form of alcoholism in their families before they turn 18
• 40% of alcoholism is passed down through the gene pool, while the other 60% stems from unknown circumstances.
• 500,000 US Children ages 9-12 are addicted to alcohol.
• Studies show that the offspring of alcoholics have a greater chance of becoming alcoholics themselves than those whose parents are clean.

In the book Alcoholics Anonymous Chapter 2, There Is A Solution, It says:

“But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solu­tion, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another al­coholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished.”

Furthermore it says,” helping others is the foundation of our recovery.” And in the 12 Steps of recovery it says “… we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and practice these principles in all of our affairs.”

If our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. Then I believe it is incumbent on me to carry the message of hope in writing as well as in meetings. From the depths of my heart there is an intuitiveness that inspires me to share what I have to come to believe as the result of the 12 Steps and our book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

The enormity of the problems alcoholics experience, both physically and mentally, and the quantity of human beings who have this disease has grown significantly over the last decade. As we understand more about it and learn the devastating long-term effect on the family as well, it is more urgent to get the message to as many as possible. Not only, that “There Is A Solution”, but that no one is better suited the help an alcoholic with recovery than another alcoholic.  If we are to arrest this disease and prevent it from further debilitation of our families we must take action. We can stop the spread of alcoholism within our own families. It can end with us. What greater gift could we give our children?

Statistics cited are from the NIAAA and NCADD articles and research studies.

Addiction isn’t just about willpower. It’s a chronic brain disease, says a new definition aimed at helping families and their doctors better understand the challenges of treating it.

“Addiction is about a lot more than people behaving badly,” says Dr. Michael M. Miller of the American Society for Addiction Medicine.

That’s true whether it involves drugs and alcohol or gambling and compulsive eating, the doctors group said Monday. And like other chronic conditions such as heart disease or diabetes, treating addiction and preventing relapse is a long-term endeavor, the specialists concluded.

Addiction generally is described by its behavioral symptoms — the highs, the cravings, and the things people will do to achieve one and avoid the other. The new definition doesn’t disagree with the standard guide for diagnosis based on those symptoms.

But two decades of neuroscience have uncovered how addiction hijacks different parts of the brain, to explain what prompts those behaviors and why they can be so hard to overcome. The society’s policy statement, published on its website, isn’t a new direction as much as part of an effort to translate those findings to primary care doctors and the general public.

“The behavioral problem is a result of brain dysfunction,” agrees Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse.

She welcomed the statement as a way to help her own agency’s work to spur more primary care physicians to screen their patients for signs of addiction. NIDA estimates that 23 million Americans need treatment for substance abuse but only about 2 million get that help. Trying to add compassion to the brain findings, NIDA even has made readings from Eugene O’Neill’s “Long Day’s Journey into Night” a part of meetings where primary care doctors learn about addiction.

Then there’s the frustration of relapses, which doctors and families alike need to know are common for a chronic disease, Volkow says.

“You have family members that say, ‘OK, you’ve been to a detox program, how come you’re taking drugs?’” she says. “The pathology in the brain persists for years after you’ve stopped taking the drug.”

Just what does happen in the brain? It’s a complex interplay of emotional, cognitive and behavioral networks.

Genetics plays a role, meaning some people are more vulnerable to an addiction if they, say, experiment with drugs as a teenager or wind up on potent prescription painkillers after an injury.

Age does, too. The frontal cortex helps put the brakes on unhealthy behaviors, Volkow explains. It’s where the brain’s reasoning side connects to emotion-related areas. It’s among the last neural regions to mature, one reason that it’s harder for a teenager to withstand peer pressure to experiment with drugs.

Even if you’re not biologically vulnerable to begin with, perhaps you try alcohol or drugs to cope with a stressful or painful environment, Volkow says. Whatever the reason, the brain’s reward system can change as a chemical named dopamine conditions it to rituals and routines that are linked to getting something you’ve found pleasurable, whether it’s a pack of cigarettes or a few drinks or even overeating. When someone’s truly addicted, that warped system keeps them going back even after the brain gets so used to the high that it’s no longer pleasurable.

Make no mistake: Patients still must choose to fight back and treat an addiction, stresses Miller, medical director of the Herrington Recovery Center at Rogers Memorial Hospital in Oconomowoc, Wis.

But understanding some of the brain reactions at the root of the problem will “hopefully reduce some of the shame about some of these issues, hopefully reduce stigma,” he says.

And while most of the neuroscience centers on drug and alcohol addiction, the society notes that it’s possible to become addicted to gambling, sex or food although there’s no good data on how often that happens. It’s time for better study to find out, Miller says.

Meanwhile, Volkow says intriguing research is under way to use those brain findings to develop better treatments — not just to temporarily block an addict’s high but to strengthen the underlying brain circuitry to fend off relapse.

Topping Miller’s wish list: Learning why some people find recovery easier and faster than others, and “what does brain healing look like.”

Everyone who has lived past the age of five years old knows that in the springtime, the leaves return to the trees. You don’t even have to go outside. Just look out a window and contemplate the color green against the spring and summer sky. There is a message there from Creation. The message is that all things organic are renewed each year. Organic simply means everything that lives and uses water, air and earth to survive. That includes all the botanicals, from the tiniest one-celled plants to the tallest trees on earth and all creatures as well. Organic has to do with organ systems like breathing, circulation and digestion of nutrients. All plants and animals of every kind have organ systems whose purpose is to sustain life. People often use the word “organic” to describe healthy foods that were grown without the use of pesticides. The word is a marketing tool more than an actual reality. Healthy foods are no more organic then the living creatures at the bottom of the septic system that decompose human waste. Throughout human history biological warfare concerns the use of poisonous natural organic materials to destroy entire populations and races of people, thus proving that “organic” is not always a good thing. The point is that the use of organic material has the power to heal and also to kill so there are always two sides to every story in nature. Without organic systems for the purpose of digestion and decomposition, our world would be overrun with toxic human waste. Each spring and summer the organic system of every plant that survives the winter, jumps into productive and active life.

The message of the color green against the blue sky is often ignored and may only cause a subliminal or subconscious response within the human soul. Even the slightest human response to the green against the sky, is significant. If an individual were locked in a cement cell with no windows, their level of depression and physical degeneration will be for more intense than that of someone in a similar cell with a window. There are hundreds of biochemical responses to the rising and setting of the sun, the cycles of the moon, the seasons and all natural elements of the earth, both organic and inorganic. One of the most powerful healers is the human mind’s response to the green of the treetops against the deep blue sky. What appeared to be dead and lifeless during the winter has somehow returned to prolific and enthusiastic life. We are reminded that just like the trees passing the seasons, we are completely renewable. There is the unseen power within every living thing, to grow and change and become new.

We see it in twelve-step meetings all the time. New people come in and many look as though they are mostly in the grave. Hopelessness and physical disability have consumed many an alcoholic and addict. Yet many have recovered. We have done better than just recover. We have discovered great talent, skill, strength and enthusiasm. This is very common in recovery communities. Old timers offer the newcomer hope, healing and spiritual growth. The newcomer who looked so near death, just a couple of months ago, has blossomed like a tree in springtime. The ancient teachings of American Indian elders reflect the idea of learning about ourselves and others by observing the natural world. The environment in wilderness areas is filled with hope for healing, self-reflection and supernatural spiritual experiences. The ways of Creation sooth the soul and body and bring peace and gratitude to the human experience.

A beloved and respected American Indian member of our home group relapsed a few years ago. The disease took him to the threshold of death and he was hospitalized for esophageal bleeding and toxic alcohol poisoning. Once this type of bleeding and poisoning occurs, the next step is death. Many alcoholics die with precisely those exact symptoms as soon as they occur. Just a year later the same man has been restored to complete physical fitness and today enjoys a fulfilling and productive life. He has recovered from the seemingly hopeless state of body mind and spirit that is the final stage of alcoholism. His recovery is extremely profound and miraculous. Not everyone heals this quickly or completely and he is an inspiration to everyone who knows and loves him. He has become the green against the blue sky that is the promise of hope to everyone. He is the profound answer to a mother’s prayer and the hope we offer to one another. Our Creator offers us daily healing everywhere around us and it is really very simple. A quiet moment of contemplation of the deep green trees of spring and summer against the blue sky is the healing promise of the Master. It’s as though He whispers to our longing souls every moment, to just pay attention to the beauty all around us and be grateful. http://frandancingfeather.com/