The AA Blog

It’s An Inside Job

Our Big Book is a universal message, but more specific and unique to alcoholic people. Although it is a message relevant for all mankind.

The Big Book is not a history book; it is our instruction manual for living. So if it tells us that a God consciousness is required for a spiritual awakening and sobriety, it is sending a message to each and every one of us.

So what is the first thing it tells us to do and in essence, God’s first commandment to everyone? What we learn in meetings and from our sponsor is that we must surrender our will to His power and accept each other as we are.

At first glance, this is hard to understand. What does it all mean? How can we survive without any control? After all, don’t we have free choice? Shouldn’t we be able to exercise our free will to control our surroundings?

I didn’t want to live in chaos; I believed that things in my life would be much better if I stayed in control. I came into the rooms believing that the manageability of my life was something I could fix. My delusion was comfortable. Learning about change presented challenges that I didn’t even know existed.

Our Big Book tells us to change the influences that have shaped our value system: our possessions – our peer group – our thoughts. We are told not to allow these old ideas to determine our beliefs in life. Don’t allow yourself to be simple products of your environment, rather, find a Higher Power of your understanding. Look deep inside and find out whom you are. And don’t let anyone else tell you. Trust your Higher Power and yourself, because ultimately that is all you have to trust.

Truth was to be found within us. But we are usually so busy seeking it from without, that we don’t notice what is right in front of our eyes, within.

This is a shocking philosophy for a way of life to give its adherents, let alone as its first command. Forget what your family tells you to be true. Forget what your friends say. Forget what society says is true. Look inside yourself, and trust what you know to be true.

Let me be clear: The Big Book is not saying that everyone has his own truth – quite the opposite. It is saying that when human beings look inside themselves, they all find the same truth, for truth transcends individual minds and bodies.
The Big Book can only say this if it is supremely confident that for a person who looks inside with honesty and a sense of calm, the truth he will find will be the same truth that his Higher Power teaches.

Visualizing Transformation

By Ian Lawton
The visual of butterflies and change inspired me to write a visualization, which is included below. My hope is that it might guide anyone managing change, whether its personal change, relationship change or social change, to do so with intention and optimism. If you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed by change, take a cue from the butterfly. (Read on for the visualization)
Sit comfortably, with your feet firmly grounded. Visualize the earth beneath your feet. Feel the soul of the earth entering your body through the soles of your feet. All the strength and wisdom of the earth is filling your body from the feet up. Relax your body and face and soften your gaze. Use your palms to gently massage your face and head to remove any tension.
Move up and down your body with mindfulness. Let loving kindness flutter through your mind and body like butterfly kisses. Love and thank your thoughts and sensations as they come into your awareness. Breathe purposefully, counting to 5 on the in breath and 7 on the out breath. Let breath heal and revive you, like a summer breeze, refreshing and invigorating. In and out, in and out. Love and relief. Peace and calm. Grateful and focused. In and out.
Visualize a caterpillar, crawling close to the earth, slow and steady. It’s in no hurry, but definitely seems to be heading somewhere. It’s crawling up the branch of a tree. It stops as if it comes to a traffic light and just sits, on one small twig that rests on one slightly larger branch that hangs on a massive tree that reaches for caterpillar miles in both directions; deep into the earth and high into the air, down for sustenance and up for possibility. The caterpillar sets up camp, sitting and waiting.
At just the right time, the caterpillar surrounds itself with a golden thread of silk, working, wriggling, and wrapping itself in a natural cocoon like a mummy. It fastens itself to the twig like Velcro. Visualize the caterpillar inside the silk cocoon, resting in the warm darkness. The caterpillar doesn’t know exactly what is happening, but knows that it is all happening exactly is it should. It intuits an incredible creative intelligence at work, and knows that it is part of this intelligence.
Inside the cocoon, the caterpillar starts the transformation. It sheds another layer of skin, this one the last before the metamorphosis. Underneath this tough, protective shell, the new being is revealed, it’s beautiful essence.
Now that the caterpillar has prepared the cocoon, visualize yourself inside the cocoon. You are there, wrapped in all of your life experiences that led to this moment. Right now. You don’t know what will happen next, but you trust that it’s happening in the right time and way. You are prepared for new growth. You are in the middle of an amazing metamorphosis. Transformation involves shedding layers of your small self to reveal a larger and truer version of who you are.
Eventually, a thin slice of light cuts through the cocoon, splitting silk and warming your skin. A sudden surge of energy courses through your body, light filling your mind and body. The cocoon falls away from you at the same time as you break free. You can’t even tell which it is. It’s both. Change is happening around and within you AND you are participating in the change.
Even though you are letting go of the safety and protection of the warm cocoon, it’s ok. ITS OK. You are ready. The time is right. You are freer than you have ever felt before. Flapping life into all parts of your body, you take flight without even knowing how or why. It’s a natural expression of who you are. You are a butterfly, with rainbow radiance, taking flight. The world as it is, is your new home, the peace of the cocoon is now the way you feel inside. Your cocoon is your inner peace and there is nothing that overwhelms you. You are light and love. This is your true nature, the current incarnation in your constant becoming.
Gently bring your awareness to your here and now surroundings.
Just when you thought the world was ending, you became a butterfly and a whole new world of possibility began. Buckminster Fuller said, “There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly.” And yet here it is. Here you are. As you contemplate changes, small and large, no matter how anxious you feel, remember that there is a butterfly inside of you just waiting to soar.
Participate in change like a butterfly. One small change in your life spreads and impacts all parts of your life, and the lives of those around you. One person’s awakening, though it always begins within, also impacts others, fluttering kindness way beyond your knowledge. It’s the butterfly effect, the chrysalis of social change.
The universe is an open space, full of butterflies who add to the beauty and full of bumblebees who cross pollinate from one person to another and one group to another. It may seem random, but the order becomes clear in time. It seems slow, but the timing reveals itself as right. It may even seem destructive, like a loss or a death, but that’s only a necessary prelude to a beautiful new creation. You are becoming all you were intended to be. The world is becoming all it is destined to be.
Much love and encouragement to ALL. Viva la transformation.
Visit Ian Lawton: http://www.soulseeds.com/grapevine/

Listen With Your Eyes

by Heidi from The Good Life

Discerning reality is no easy task for addicts.

I don’t remember where I got it, but I have a tool that I wish I could give all my friends in recovery: Listen with your eyes. It works. I even try to listen to my thinking with my eyes.

When a person or activity is pulling me back into romancing of the past, I visualize the end result. One of my friends says, Watch the tape all the way through.

Let’s say I start thinking about 2 Buck Chuck, a Merlot that I could get at Trader Joes for $2. It was a really full-bodied and earthy tasting wine. I bought it by the case.

When such thoughts break in, we might recall, a little ruefully, how much store we used to set by the imagination as it tried to create reality out of bottles. ~Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 2011, p 55

I play the activity in my mind, past the initial ‘hit’ of euphoria with the first sip and on to the end result. What is it, this bottle of Chuck?

I ask myself, Where does it lead? Peace and serenity and a sense of well-being? Does it lead to the throne in the bathroom or the throne in my heart? Is the activity going to decrease my conscious contact with God, or increase it?

By watching the tape all the way through, I can rescue myself from wrong thinking. All the facts are there, I just have to listen with with my eyes to see the truth. Chuck leads me to more Chuck and more Chuck…to upchuck! Or, at least, it leads me to passing out.

It’s not just activities that call to me in my addiction. Sometimes it’s people. If my romancing is directed towards an individual from my addiction, I run that person’s character through my mind. The same technique works.

I rip off the mask they wear (the words they said which woo me back) and take a good look at their past actions. Show me, don’t tell me. I make myself listen by looking at what they’ve done in my life. Has that relationship given me peace and serenity and a sense of well-being? Does it lead to a saner and richer life, encouraging my conscious contact with God, or does it hinder my conscious contact with Him?

When I refuse to listen to the memorable words, but listen instead to the actions, I get a firmer grasp on the reality. I used to be easily swayed by the things I wanted to hear. Desperation made me fantasize about how things could be.

It can be dangerous for an addict to fantasize. I need to refuse the fantasies of yesterday and keep in mind the consequences of yesterday in order to grasp the reality of today.

Reality isn’t a fantasy, it’s just real.

We found the Great Reality deep down within us. ~Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 2011, p 55

P.S. If you want real,watch for it, don’t listen for it.

Read more at the link and follow Heidi: http://goodlifenoalcohol.wordpress.com/2011/10/26/listen-with-your-eyes/

Blame Game

By Fran Dancing Feather
As an American Indian journalist for longer than the last twenty years, I have experienced both cultural resentment and spiritual awakening. Journalists have been called, “The Watchdogs of Society”. Some of us feel the responsibility to uncover and reveal deceptions often glossed over by the media, the hiding and justifying of those in power. For centuries native peoples have been portrayed inaccurately throughout American history. Early history painted the savage wars between the European settlers and the indigenous people, continuously justifying the actions of the settlers by blaming Indians for every atrocity of war. Those lasting historical records were written not by the victims of genocide and terrorist takeover, but by the conquerors themselves so they were naturally aimed at justifying the actions of only those who wanted to take the land for their own interests. As native people became assimilated, learned English and have been educated alongside the immigrants from Europe, we have learned together to present a more accurate portrayal of our common history and uncommon spirituality.
In recovery, we learn that resentment is the number-one offender. We discover that we actually have a part in the outcome of the injustices we have endured. We all have the same problem, no matter what color, religion or social status with which we identify and we all have the same opportunities. We discover we have become wounded and broken people and that we are powerless over every person, place and situation in our lives. For most of us, without recovery from substance abuse, there is little hope. So we may recognize that the atrocities of war are no longer the problems we face today. Our part in history was the blame game that we allowed to become our active reason for substance abuse. The spirituality of the ancestors asks that we honor the earth and every living thing and teach future generations about respect, dignity and honor. That message is ineffective and impotent if we try to deliver it while slurring our speech and staggering around. We will do well to understand that our youth and the youth of all peoples are smart enough and intuitive enough to recognize the lack of integrity and dignity we express when inebriated.
Sobriety is traditional! The words of our ancestors are profound and beautiful. They deserve the proper delivery when we discuss them. Our own presentation of who we are needs to be communicated with self-esteem, honorably balanced with humility. Our personal and historical stories need to be told with the wisdom powered by a sound spiritual sober lifestyle. The way in which each of us carries ourselves will be the punctuation of truth and honor we wish to present to others. We are responsible for our past, present and future. We have the ancient wisdom needed to improve the condition of the world. We were and are after all, the first environmentalists. As we journey through the twelve steps, the fourth step inventory gives us the chance to air our grievances against a harsh world. The interesting thing we learn in recovery is that every single substance abuser who has taken the steps, realizes we all have deep resentments and blame that fueled our addictions, no matter who we are or from what background we identify ourselves. We are all wounded in much the same way by our inability to live comfortably in our own skin, no matter what color we are.
By step nine, we have begun to learn forgiveness towards ourselves and those we feel have oppressed us. We become responsible and self-actualizing adults. We have discovered that the blame game only poisons us and makes us miserable and solves nothing! Falling into resentment and grudges only draws us away from recovery. We surround ourselves with hope and healing and the support we get from others helps us to persevere. We never forget the past that was filled with darkness and blame because it helps us to help others without judgment. Eternity begins with every moment that we allow ourselves to dance in the sunlight of the Great Spirit.

http://frandancingfeather.com/blame-game/#more-460

Spirituality and Creation

The Sioux story of creation comes closest to capturing the essence of spirituality.

The Creator gathered all of Creation and said, “I want to hide something from the humans until they are ready for it. It is the realization that they create their own reality.”
The eagle said, “Give it to me, I will take it to the moon.”
The Creator said, “No. One day they will go there and find it.”
The salmon said, “I will bury it on the bottom of the ocean.”
“No. They will go there too.”
The buffalo said, “I will bury it on the Great Plains.”
The Creator said, “They will cut into the skin of the Earth and find it even there.”
Grandmother Mole, who lives in the breast of Mother Earth, and who has no physical eyes but sees with spiritual eyes, said, “Put it inside of them.”
And the Creator said, “It is done.”

The tools are there, it is my choice to listen to God’s will, understand it and have His power to do it. Life is full of storms; my choice is to remain calm and not become one of them.

The journey is not always easy but if I can approach it without expectations, or the necessity to be perfect than I experience new freedoms and peace.

Gratitude 2012

As we approach the beginning of the secular year, the New Year has begun in Judaism. It is time for me to express my gratitude for life and what I have; not possessions because they are transient, my material wealth could disappear at any moment but my relationship with and trust of my God are permanent. As King David wrote in Psalm 20, “There are those who trust in chariots and those who trust in horses, but we trust in the Almighty.”

My journey has been a search for emotional sobriety over the last year, to replace the bedevilments with the promises. “ We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people-was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important…”
Page 52 of Alcoholics Anonymous

The enlargement of my spiritual life and growth would require me to treat all with love, admiration and respect. Not an easy task for someone who had spent a lifetime seeking power, harboring resentments, being angry, fearful, dishonest, self-centered and shameful. This new honesty with others was uncomfortable, and trusting God with my life was the opposite of how I had lived for over 45 years.

If I am making this commitment then putting it in writing and expressing my gratitude brings me a step closer to making it my reality.
I am grateful for:
• Family who loves me unconditionally
• Friends who I trust and love me in return
• Life on Life’s Terms
• Good health
• Nature
• Blessings
• Recovery and Sobriety
• God in my life

The journey is not always easy but if I can approach it without expectations, or the necessity to be perfect than I experience new freedoms and peace.
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations, which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them. “
Pages 83-84 of Alcoholics Anonymous

The tools are there, it is my choice to listen to God’s will, understand it and have His power to do it. Life is full of storms, my choice is to remain calm and not become one of them.
Dear God…You know what is for my good. If I ar¬ticulate my desires, it is not to remind You, but so that I might better understand how greatly de¬pendent I am on You. If then, afterwards, I ask You for things that are not in my best interest, it is because I am humbly ignorant, You know best what is for my good and I acknowledge that Your choice is better than mine; I give myself over to You and the Divine direction of my life. Amen

Solidarity

by Fran Dancing Feather
Solidarity is a “solid” concept, usually referring to unity among a group or community of people based on common interests, objectives and standards. Our whole self-perception or identity is based on a solidarity that is either strongly intact or haphazardly scattered. Who am I? The answer to this question has much to define about our own personal solidarity and self-esteem. At this time of advanced worldwide communication and social networking our personal solidarity can influence positive change one day at a time. Most native peoples share within our own communities, a sense of Tribal solidarity. Members of various churches, clubs and recovery groups share a common solidarity. If we follow a set of organized principles outlined by any culture, tradition, country, genealogy or geography there is a sense of solidarity within us. If we live in the United States we share the common solidarity of being known as “Americans”, even though we may differ radically on ideas of politics, personal values, religion or national origin. However we perceive, judge or evaluate ourselves defines our personal solidarity. Do we see ourselves as victims or do we feel confident and strong? Are we powerless or powerful, young and strong or old and weak? Or are we older and stronger then ever? Perhaps we are young and filled with hope and enthusiasm as we face an exciting future.
Dignity, respect and a confident outlook on life characterize strong positive personal solidarity. In recovery, we learn that an attitude of gratitude changes everything for us. At first we have to practice making gratitude lists as we learn to grow into strong positive healed humans. Faith grows with the constant stream of miracles among us. As we help others, we begin to realize our own strengths and weaknesses. The steps heal our frailties and carrying the message helps us to discover our primary purpose. We don’t shoot our wounded. Instead we try to help and nurture them into lasting recovery. If they need additional help beyond what is available in meetings, we offer to help creatively search for resources, continuously increasing our own level of knowledge and wisdom. As sober humans, we find our place in this world through various means of experimentation and listening to and sharing with others. Fellowship is as vital as following the guidelines in the book and attending meetings. Remaining teachable is our greatest asset and sensible discernment, our greatest protection.
Solidarity is a dignified sense of maturity. After some time in recovery we have learned to stand tall and self-assured even in the face of conflict because we have learned to respond to the challenges in our lives rather then react to them. As the book says, we “meet calamity with serenity”. In that response, we find we have become dignified and solid self-actualizing adults. We have achieved solidarity within our recovery. As a group of recovering people, we have no opinion on outside issues. As individuals we surely do. We make informed decisions on our personal issues in regards to politics, religion or spirituality, culture and things like parenting and relationship values. Our personal views on subjects outside recovery are not appropriate to be expressed in meetings but they do form our individual solidarity and identity.
The most respected elders in Indian country are people of dignity who lead others to cultural solidarity and sovereignty that will provide not only survival as a race but nobility and respect for generations to come. Respected elders in recovery are much the same. They lead by example, strength and spiritual principles. In their eyes we see hope and courageous perseverance that promises us a better life than we have ever known. We do well to follow their lead by developing our own sacred values and principles that will hold strong and solid and lead others into the sunlight of the Spirit of Creation. A-Ho!

Website: http://frandancingfeather.com/

Regret, Change & Confession

My religion has specific precepts and guidelines for making amends, In my recovery I have discovered their connection to the 12 Steps. I am sharing my 9th Step for this time of year in Judaism. This is not meant to offend; only to do what I have been taught to do in recovery.

Making apologies and asking for forgiveness is at the core of Yom Kippur, The Day of Atonement. My request for a pardon must come with an amend on my part. By speaking it aloud and making a commitment to change the act holds the power to transform me, to restore a relationship, to move forward rather than being stuck in the past.
In most cases I have resentment toward the person I am making amends to because of some transgression, real or unreal, that I have never admitted my part in. It is incumbent on my peace of mind to let go of that resentment, take responsibility for my actions and overtly apologize with a plan of action to keep me from repeating it.
The act of honestly making an amends has to be more than just saying, “I’m sorry.” We must live our amends. It is the last of three steps to repentance in traditional Jewish sources. Maimonides, the 12th century Spanish scholar, outlined a process, based on Talmudic sources; it starts with recognizing and admitting the wrongdoing, apologizing to the person you have hurt with your sin, and then each time you are faced with a similar situation behave in an acceptable way. Having to directly admit offenses to another human being gives concrete form to the abstract ideas of honesty, humility and empathy. Recognizing shortcomings can help make people more tolerant of others’ foibles or transgressions and, ideally, creates human interaction with less strife.
Over and over in the High Holy Days liturgy, Jews ask God for forgiveness and praise God as forgiving and merciful. The liturgy is meant to inspire repentance, and to bring worshippers to emulate God by actively participating in a culture of forgiveness. The 30 days before Rosh Hashanah and then the 10 days following, culminating in Yom Kippur, are designated for preparing for divine forgiveness by asking for human forgiveness. Only God can forgive us, but if we can be forgiving we will be forgiven.
In this holy time, I want you to know how much I love each and every one of you who have committed to taking the journey of the collective heart, a journey that is not always the easiest one but certainly, at the end of the day, a meaningful one. I want you to know how blessed I feel to be a part of your lives and I want to humbly ask each of you to forgive me for anything I might have done or not done that could have in any way hurt you, shamed you, or left you feeling less than. I ask you to forgive me for any expectations that I failed to fulfill and for my less-than-perfect human ways.
I know that some of you may want to be forgiven by me as well, maybe for projections, gossip, or for making commitments that you did not keep, so I let you know right now that I give you a blanket of forgiveness from my heart to yours. Know that I will be praying for you and your families, for our small community and for the greater whole. I will be praying, as Goethe screamed out, “Light, more light!” — that you are able to bring light to every cell of your being where it might be missing for you today.
The holiday’s earthly application can be compelling even for those who can’t connect to an image of God as judge in the sky before the open Book of Life.
My goal of the High Holy Days is not to be Jewish. My goal is to be more human, to be comforting and not seek comfort, to be understanding and seek to be understood and to be loving without seeking to be loved.
May it be your will God for me to make good choices to make amends to all those I have offended and continue to do so as I encounter them for the rest of my life.
In closing, if anything I have said or done in the past offends you or bothers you, just dismiss it. If anything I say you disagree with, you’re entitled to. I apologize and will do my best not to repeat it. We don’t have to agree to be useful, productive human beings to our community.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to you my Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Making Mistakes

I am human. I make mistakes. Sometimes when I make a mistake I catastrophize it and soon I feel myself to be a really bad person. Once this gets going, I worry that others will see me as bad. I fear that they see me in the way that I am seeing me. The self-condemnation is now complete, and I have successfully worked myself into a hole. My sense of failure keeps me going back and forth between shame and blame. I have trouble breaking free and letting go of my negative self-image. But mistakes are only meant for me to learn from. If I have hurt someone, I need to make amends and let go. If I have made an error, I need to correct it, at least in myself, and move on. If I can’t correct it, I can learn from it, enrich my spirit and release it.

I am allowed to make mistakes.

Daily Meditation from In The Rooms http://www.intherooms.com

Attitude

In the beginning it was extremely difficult to feel comfortable with the new attitude I was asked to adopt. It meant a total acceptance of everyone and everything. It meant that what you did was none of my business and that I had to only be concerned with my side of the street. “What an order”. I didn’t think I could go through with it.

It was comfortable being self-centered and dishonest. Why would I possibly trust someone else to take charge of things that could be much better handled by me? How could it make any difference if I was honest or not, as long as all concerned prospered? Delusional? Grandiose? Self-Absorbed? We could make quite a list.

The comfort thing could be likened to an athlete in any sport who has a problem with technique: batting stroke, throwing motion, golf swing or shooting. A coach corrects the problem and the flaw that resulted from it. A way to fix it was taught. The method suggested works but it doesn’t feel right. Yet the more it is done, the better the results. Soon the new way becomes comfortable. Not that it is always perfect, but the athlete has tools now and a coach who can help the player find a center and get “back on the beam”.

First there had to be a willingness to change my attitude and accept help with my problems. Many of the defects were like old friends, I was comfortable with them and didn’t want to give them up. Once it was pointed out to me that “Easy Does It”, doesn’t mean it is going to be easy and that my growth depended on change, I gradually accepted this new way.

One evening my wife and teenage children sat with me at the kitchen table discussing my recovery. It was during my second year and we were talking about changes they had seen in my behavior. I explained what I was learning in the 12 Steps and how I was adapting it to my everyday life. They asked questions and commented on their perceptions. Near the end I offered that I thought had was doing quite well. At this point my wife said, “ You’re not doing that well, you still have a way to go.” We all laughed and my attitude was appropriately humbled.